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John Jackson, a professional engineer appreciated yesterday's spoof on engineers. I asked hom for a dozen accopuntant jokes. Here they are from John>
David:
a.. What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
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a.. What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
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a.. How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way.
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a.. What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
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a.. Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
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a.. What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
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The Accountant and the Business Owner
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question, "How much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof." The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4." The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"
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Two Accountants in Bank Robbery
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on, Accountant #1 jams something in Accountant #2's hand. Without looking down, Accountant #2 whispers, "What is this?"
Accountant #1 replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
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Accountant at the Pearly Gates
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He's met by St. Peter, who goes through the usual questionnaire.
"What sort of accountant are you?" asks St. Peter
"Public Practitioner," is the reply.
"Name?"
He gives his name. St. Peter goes through his files and pulls one out.
"Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span," says St. Peter.
"How can that be?" says the accountant. "I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight"
"No, that's impossible," responds St. Peter.
"Why do you say that?" the accountant asks.
St. Peter: "Well, we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning, you're at least ninety three years old."
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The Chief Accountant's Secret
Mr. Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the bottom drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued, but no one was game to ask him what was in the drawer.
Finally the time came for Mr. Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr. Evans had left the building, some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the bottom drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is the one nearest the window."
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Meeting the Challenge
A local restaurant was so sure its massive Sumo chef was the strongest man around, they had a standing $1,000 offer that the chef would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice out of the lemon would walk away with the $1,000.
Many people had tried, including weight lifters and longshoremen, but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try it". After the laughter had died down the chef said, "OK". He grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and one by one 6 drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd erupted into cheers, the chef paid him the $1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a builder's laborer, or what?"
He adjusted his glasses on his nose and said, "I work for the Tax Department".
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Accountant's Job Interview - Take 1
A young accountant, straight out of school, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant.
"I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand dollars! How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
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Accountant's Job Interview - Take 2
An accountant applies for the position of Chief Financial Officer. There are a number of candidates and he is called in for an interview. They ask him a number of questions and one of the panel suddenly says "What is nine multiplied by four?"
He thinks quickly and says "Thirty five." When the interview is over he goes outside, takes out his calculator and finds the correct answer is not thirty five. He thinks "Well, I blew that one," and goes home very disappointed.
Next day he is rung up and told he has got the job. "Wonderful," he says, "but what about nine multiplied by four? My answer wasn't right."
"We know, but of all the candidates you came the closest."
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The Balloonist
A fellow has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately, the wind gets up, and he's blown off course and forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road, but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it. The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "Can you tell me where I am?'.
"Yes, of course", says the driver. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are on Jim Hubble's farm, 12.5 miles from Boerne. John will be plowing the paddock next week and sowing wheat. There is a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you."
At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the driver, "I see you're an accountant."
"Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?"
"I employ accountants," says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."
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Gone to Heaven
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.
One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."
The accountant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're staff."
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The Bet
A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock."
The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're on."
"Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.
The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know how you did it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any sheep."
The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation."
The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met me before" and says "Right. You're on".
The farmer says, "You're an auditor with a Big Six firm."
The man whistles. "How the heck did you know that?"
"Well," says the farmer, "put my dog down and I'll tell you."
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The Parrot
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."
"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts".
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."
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The Three Partners
Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears.
"You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each."
"Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to Hawaii, give me a blonde and an endless supply of condoms and leave me there for ever."
Poof! There's a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and he's gone.
"Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Fiji Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever."
Poof! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and he's gone too.
The genie turns to the senior partner. "And what do you want?"
"I want those two back in the office straight after lunch."
David Ingram wrote:
Yep - Send me a dozen -- accountants don't know any jokes.
-----Original Message-----
From: John Jackson [mailto:[email protected]]
Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 2003 1:20 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Humour - engineers
Funny stuff (really). Can we do the accountants jokes next?
All the best,
J.D. Jackson, P.Eng.
[email protected] wrote:
Willow sent this. It pokes fun at us all. And we have been far too serious lately.
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting
for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet"
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion
and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get
some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
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And for those of us who have read through all these and wondered "why", Carl sandburg said it well.
"Time is the coin of life. It is the only coin you have, and only you
can determine how it will be spent. Be careful, lest you let other
people spend it for you". - Carl Sandburg
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